Why the feedback sandwich falls apart (and what to do instead)
Stop using the sh*t sandwich approach. It doesn’t work. Instead, try “stretching the bread”. Here’s what I mean.
We've all heard of the “sandwich method” in giving feedback: start with a compliment, slide in the criticism, and close with another compliment. On the surface, it sounds like a kind, strategic way to soften the blow. But here’s the thing—it doesn’t work.
Why? Because it creates dilution and confusion.
When you sandwich tough feedback between two praises, you blur the message. The receiver walks away unsure of what the main takeaway is, “Was I doing well or not? Should I focus on the compliment or the critique?”
Instead of using a “one-off sandwich,” I believe in “stretching the bread.” Here’s what I mean: praise and encouragement should be given consistently, not only when you’re about to deliver tough feedback.
Think of it as making regular emotional deposits into someone’s bank account. These deposits such as appreciating effort and noticing improvements, build trust over time. So, when the moment comes to make a “withdrawal” i.e. give critical feedback, it doesn’t bankrupt the relationship. It lands with more weight, clarity, and care.
In fact, research supports this. According to a HBR article, “The Ideal Praise-to-Criticism Ratio”, high-performing teams tend to have 6 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.
My Mistake as a Young Manager
When I first started managing, I confused praise with leadership. I wanted to be liked. So, I doubled down on encouragement and positivity. I told myself I was “investing in people,” and in a way, I was. But I was also avoiding the real work of leadership: confronting issues directly and compassionately.
One team member, let’s call him A, was consistently missing deadlines and affecting team output. But instead of addressing it, I kept depositing: “Thanks for staying back,” “I really appreciate your commitment,” “You’re such a creative thinker.” Deep down, I hoped he’d connect the dots. I hoped he’d improve on his own.
He didn’t.
Eventually, when the pressure boiled over and I couldn’t take it anymore, I snapped. My feedback came out overly blunt and emotionally charged. I raised my voice at him. I was trying to emphasize the seriousness of the situation, but instead, I broke trust. He was blindsided. Looking back, I realized I wasn’t practicing the 6:1 ratio well. I was only doing the six, never making the one healthy “withdrawal”. Eventually, when I did the “one”, I emptied the coffers with anger. That’s not balance.
In summary, we need to:
Keep making deposits into your team’s emotional bank account. Catch people doing things right often. Make encouragement a regular part of your leadership culture, not a one-off performance review trick.
But remember to withdraw by giving critical feedback with honesty and care, and not as an emotional outburst.
Contributor: Kausern Hieu