Just because someone has a blind spot doesn’t mean they’re ready to see it
I discovered the dark side of coaching recently.
A friend was sharing a challenge she was facing. As she spoke, I could see what seemed obvious to me: the issue wasn't really the issue.
Like an iceberg, there was something deeper beneath the surface driving the decisions she was making. So, I did what I've been trained to do.
I put on my coach hat and started asking questions.
The kind of questions designed to peel back the layers of the onion — to help someone uncover what was hidden beneath the story they were telling themselves.
Then she snapped at me.
Not aggressively. But enough for me to realise I had completely missed what she needed in that moment.
→ She wasn't looking for insight.
→ She wasn't looking for self-discovery.
→ Ultimately, she wasn't looking for coaching.
She was looking for a friend.
The irony is that coaching is one of the most powerful tools I know for helping people create change. Yet that power can become a weakness when we start seeing every conversation as an opportunity to coach.
Just because you can see below the iceberg doesn't mean you have permission to dive beneath the surface.
The biggest lesson I learnt from that conversation? Readiness matters.
A person can only go as deep as they are willing to go. And sometimes what they need most is not a question that unlocks a breakthrough, but a person who listens without trying to create one.
As leaders, managers, coaches, and even friends, that's a distinction worth remembering.
Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer isn't a breakthrough. It's our presence.
Contributor: Kausern Hieu